Defined Lines #liberation

In todays society women are objectified and sexualised almost every day in the media. If Jay Z gains a couple of pounds, no one would bat an eye lid…if Beyoncé did, the world would be in crisis. Kanye West has released a number of videos with half naked woman dancing around him, yet the one that is trashed in the media the most is the one where his fiancé and baby mama is (clearly but not obviously) topless.

Is it fair to assume that because Beyoncé can sing about sex with her husband, make sexual videos and still be a great role model because she is married, yet Rihanna who is an ex abuse victim sings about sex in general and is seen a bad role model?

The role of a woman is viewed in many different ways by different types of people. I have friends who are waiting to get married so they can give up work and build a home for their families. I have friends who are so focused on their career that a family isn’t in their plan. I then have friends who want it all, the family and the career.

A friend of mine who is a teacher told me recently that the girls in her school are having sex because artists like Rihanna make it look empowering. However just like girls look up to Rihanna, boys look up Chris Brown who constantly disrespects women. Mix the two reactions and you get a heartbroken girl or ‘hoe’ as her peers will call her and a smug boy or ‘playa’ as his peers will call him. The vicious cycle continues.

We are all just as guilty as the artists themselves. I have a number of songs that I sing along too which are not exactly pro feminist, but with sick beats and catchy lyrics what else can I do? Well clearly I should be doing what three absolute legends did.

These three fine example of women got together and created a parody of Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. I don’t even need to comment on the clever lyrics, hot women and general vibe of empowering women, all you need to do is watch it.

http://www.radiolive.co.nz/Robin-Thicke—Blurred-Lines-%5BFeminist-Parody%5D-Defined-Lines/tabid/439/articleID/37642/Default.aspx

Trust me it is worth it.

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Radio Silence

So clearly i have not got the hang of this whole blogging thing yet. I mean my last post was at the end of Feb so just over 2 months ago, yep award for worlds worst blogger goes to me.

In my defence i have had a busy two months, in both my personal and work life. Firstly work, i have started a new job. It has only been a week so i don’t really have a lot to say about it just yet but I am sure as time goes on i will have more then enough to blog about. For now i’ll just say that moving from a very large global organisation to a small firm of 50 people is harder then one may think. Especially when your  in marketing and previous to you there was no such thing…wish me luck…

Personal life, don’t get too excited, i haven’t fallen madly in love, or even started seeing someone for that matter. I have had some bedroom action, i would love to expand but its all a bit of a blur if i’m honest. The fact of the matter is friends birthdays, combined with leaving drinks, combined with planned nights out meant that basically i spent the whole of April highly intoxicated. It wasn’t blood running through my veins is was Vodka, and rum, and beer and sambuca and sourz and oh, head, hurts.

So yes a very manic two months, and what do i have to show for it?! A new job, cuts and bruises (from falling over drunk) and some damaged organs (liver and lungs to be precise.)

Time really does fly when your having fun.

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Case of the Ex…

Why is it that when we are in a bad place our wants, thoughts and dreams all float towards the ex boyfriend. I don’t just mean when you’re having a dry spout in your love life, you could be in a bad place with work or friends even family whatever it is your mind always seems to drift of to them. What would you say if they popped up and asked how you are, would you tell them? Would they still care? What advice would they give? Would they give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be okay or laugh at the fact that you’re miserable?! I guess there reaction would depend on a number of reasons, who broke up with who, the reasons behind it, the history, length of relationship etc…

As this is my blog and I am clearly here to vent I’ll use myself as an example. I was stuck in a 7 year relationship (yes it crossed over with the guy who is currently draining me of hope and love) with a possessive, emotionally stunted guy. He was by all accounts the wrong guy at the wrong time, but for all his faults, one thing I was always sure of, was that he loved me. After loving him for 7 years it’s not surprising that when I feel a little lost, he comes into mind, like a childs blanky. However surely after almost 2 years of breaking up, all the heartache he put me through during the break up and me realising that actually I was never really that in love with him, (how could I be if I was in love with someone else?) Why do I still think about him in a time of need?

I’m one of those people who gives great advice but can never take my own advice. If it was a friend in this situation I would tell them that it’s a natural reaction and not to do anything about it. Easier said than done. I have picked up my phone to message him about 7 times in the past 4 days. I have replayed our whole relationship in my head over and over again and it is absolute torture.

I know as time goes on you forget the bad and you only have good memories, but with me, I remember it all, the good and the bad. I remember yes he loved me more than any guy I’ve ever given the time of day too but I also remember how unhappy I was for the last few years of our relationship. I also remember there was a reason I left him and even though I want to tell him how I’m going through shitty life stuff that everyone goes through and I need a hug I know for a fact I do not want to get back together with him. That is what stops me from sending that message, clicking that friend request button or dialing that number.

Our blankys are one of the first things it life we give up, we grow out of it being our comforter and eventually let go of it. I can only hope that the same will happen with my ex, I grew out of our relationship, now I just need to let go.

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Divided by love…

So after the depressing month of January, the dreaded February ‘month of love’ arrives. So if you’re single, don’t expect to be anything other than depressed until March right? or wrong?

Speaking to friends, family, colleagues I have realised that there are so many different attitudes to this day. People split off into their cliques based on their opinion of a day that was created to show the people you love how much you really love them. Who needs to be loving every day when you can just save all your love for one special person on one day.

Valentines day is also a day where i’m pretty sure over half the population lies.

  • You have those that are single and are ‘okay ‘with being single – on valentines day.
  •  You have those in couples who are not bothered but pretend to be for their significant other – oh and vice versa the ones who act like they don’t care so theres no pressure on their significant other but really they want rose petals on the bed, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries.
  • You have those who have someone they wish was there valentine but refuse to admit it.
  • Then you have those people who actually just don’t give a fuck.

Which one are you?!

Each year, mine changes. This year I don’t give a flying fuck. Last year I had someone I wished was my valentine but refused to admit (which did not end well might I add). Instead I went and had a wonderful drunken night out with my girls. The years before that I was the girl in a relationship who wished my guy would do something special but pretended like I didn’t care to avoid disappointment.

If you think about it no February is the same, my life (love inc) is constantly changing, so my feelings towards valentines will never be the same as the year before.

In addition the truth of the matter is that it is a commercial, over hyped holiday where shops and restaurants can charge double and get away with it. It is also a day where people in relationships can openly judge and feel sorry for those who are single and those who are single can openly bash lovesick couples.

Does anyone even know what love is? This thing called ‘love’ seems to create a lot of negative feelings like ‘jelousy’ and ‘hate’ and ‘heartache’ and ‘depression’ I could go on but I won’t.

So let’s all judge each other, throw some love around, throw some hate around and maybe get lucky. Or here is a crazy idea; we could just act like it is the same as any other day?! 

 

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Pick me, Choose me, Love me…

Okay so it’s been a while. Again. Sorry.

I had a crazy start to the new year. I ended up spending it with the one guy who every year I make a resolution to move on from. Well that was clearly out of the window the moment he rang demanding to see me and then fell into my flat drunk off his face an hour later.

I haven’t spoken much about him, I have tried to blog about him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Writing for me is like a release, I’m that girl who will let my anger and hurt build up and then write you a 20 page text message laying it all out. And every time I try to write about him, it turns into an essay directed at him. All the things I want him to read rather then you know the whole god damn world. So until I get it together you will you have to make with the little things I throw out there.

Anyways back to the new year – I then got ill, because I, of course, can’t enter the new year healthy and happy, I have to be confused and coughing. Thanks powers to be, I really appreciated being bed bound for a week.

Now something you should know about me is that I do not own a TV. Well I do but I just use it to watch DVDS. I have my set programmes that I watch online and that’s about it. So when I am ill and literally dying of boredom, I pick a TV show, which I have never seen before, that people have raved on about and I proceed to watch it from the beginning. Episode after episode until I am caught up to the current episode or the end of the programme. This time it was…Greys Anatomy and I AM OBSESSED.

Talk about crazy lives, talk about love triangles, talk about family issues, TALK ABOUT DAMAGED GOODS.

So I’ve now reached season four, I know who I love, who I hate and who I want to be. Is it bad that the two characters that I aspire to be like are the most cold, confused and damaged of the bunch?!

Whoever writes this show – about a group of surgeons who all have fucked up lives – has a serious way with words. Seriously. I mean the quotes you can pull out are incredible, the hurt and anger and even reasoning the characters come to somehow make sense.

Why do I relate to this programme so much, I mean I don’t have half as many issues as Meredith Grey but you know what I feel what she feels, if only I could act like she acts. I feel stupid comparing myself to a character that doesn’t actually exist in real life but I just ‘get’ her as a character.

Abandonment issues, Sister Issues, Boy penis issues.

The question is do I really relate to her, or do I just want too? I mean, I feel like I relate to a lot of characters in TV shows, but does that just mean that everyone is as messed up is me? And if we all have the same problems, why are there no solutions. We all deal with things differently but surely by now someone should have a universal solution for how to deal with losing someone, or even finding someone.

Unfortunately this does not seem to be the case and we have to continue to deal with things our own way, taking advice from the people around us who care or TV shows that feel like they’re speaking to you.

And just like Meredith is not ready to give up Derek, I am not ready to give up my guy. 

 

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New Year, New Me, Not…

So I wanted to write a meaningful New Years day blog, but the truth of the matter is I will probably be too god damn hungover or potentially still drunk, so I thought I would get it out the way today. It is the last day of 2013 after all.

Firstly I would like to point out, that for 2014 I refuse to make any resolutions, as I just feel shit about not actually doing any of them, past the first 2 weeks of January. This isn’t to say that there aren’t changes I want to make in my life, as there are, quite a few actually. Hold on, wait a minute, oh yeah, EVERYTHING in my life requires some form of change. But this isn’t a movie and I can’t just revamp myself over night. This is going to take time and motivation and effort, all of which I just don’t have at the moment.

So in keeping with the New Year, New Me spirit lets breakdown my life, what I achieved in 2013 and in a dream world what I would like to achieve in 2014.

Family

I wish I didn’t have much to say here but I surprisingly do. I have an amazing family, Mum, (step) Dad and two awesome younger siblings (4&6) but my biological father aka sperm donor who I have never met because he is a complete waste of space (don’t judge my mum she was young and naive) has four daughters younger than me. I haven’t fully adjusted, I mean the other day I was out with the eldest and I referred to her as my friend, which she didn’t mind but questioned. This got me thinking about my issues, why am I so afraid to open up my life to them? I mean I took the first step to contacting them, now I just feel abit lost as to how we move forward.

So in 2013 I went from being a big sister to two little ones I could act like a big kid around, to being a big sister to a 20, 18, 14 and 9 year old. FML

Therefore in 2014 I should probably face my fear of commitment and admit their existence to myself and those around me.

Friends

2013 has been a great year for friends. I have rekindled lost friendships and had so much more time for those I truly care about. I mean in 2012 I was in a relationship for the first half which I ended and then I was getting over him, getting under the true love of my life and generally just getting drunk. (I am not an alcoholic I swear). So last year was the first year I had no possessive boyfriend preventing me from spending time with my friends. Nights out, nights in, weekends away, it all went down, yelling Timber.

In 2014 all I can hope for is more nights in, nights out and weekends away.

Career

Oh I don’t even want to go here. I used to love my job, now I hate it. It’s not that it’s changed but as I don’t have any qualifications my progress is limited. Bleugh. So unfortunately for me, after a crazy amount of pressure, tantrums, tears and shouting, I am going back to college. One evening a week. 4 modules across the year. 3 assignments 1 exams. FML

I have been told this will limit my social life, which is just fucking fantastic.

Love

HAHAHAHAHA. LOL

That is all I have to say on this matter.

AOB

I guess I would also like to get fit, save money, you know all the usual ‘changes’ to make.

So there it is a breakdown of my life. Ugh when I read it back I think ‘why so serious’ but this is what being a grown up is right? I mean this year for Christmas I got bed sheets, curtains and towels. Now I know why I have been depressed about getting old.

The twenties are going to be full of ups and downs and I don’t need to make new years resolutions to try and fix myself. I know damn well I will never have everything together in my life at one time so why bother wasting energy trying to make it happen. I’m better off enjoying the bits I can whilst there good and for the past year it has been family and friends. I am thankful for the love and laughter they gave me throughout 2013.

On one final note I should let you know that all of the above will be completely invalid if I manage to get my secondment and move to Asia for a couple of years. Who said running away was never the answer?!

Happy New Year!

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I LOVE YOU has 8 letters, but then again so does BULLSHIT

Again, the festive season has kept me busy and therefore I have been unable to blog. 

However a good friend of mine and one of the few people who actually know who this blog belongs to, has kindly wrote a guest blog to keep you entertained. 

The problem with guys is that they talk shit. Utter crap. It’s an issue.

This is what happens when you date a guy who has surgery on his balls and doesn’t have sex for a month – he comes in 10 seconds. I’m not joking. When you try it a second time that night – he comes in 30seconds. All is forgiven because you know what? I’m not a bitch, you haven’t had a wank in a month let alone sex so yeah, I can let that one slide.

Here’s what happens when you have sex again 3 weeks later. It’s okay. I wouldn’t write home about it. I was good, not phenomenal. Here’s what happens when we go out for food after and we get on to the topic of protection, or rather he says “are you sleeping with anyone else” you ask why, secretly hoping it’s because he cannot bare to see you with anyone else, but he says “because we aren’t using protection” (wow and there’s me thinking you’re asking because you want to know I’m deeply committed and that you’re secretly very blissfully happy with me and I am fulfilling your needs, not that you’re finding out if I’m a raging slut). So you ask why he isn’t using protection and

WAIT

FOR

IT

“condoms don’t fit me”

MY GOOD FUCKING LORD. Did you get knocked on the head? You poor soul whom has had to go through life jamming small condoms on your massive penis. NO. Here is a slap of reality – you have a slightly smaller than average penis. SHUT UP. Okay so he’s not talking length here, he’s talking width, still I smell bullshit. But I politely drink my drink and nod along (hey I’m not trying to make myself look like a penis connoisseur here).

So let’s fast forward a week or so. Here’s what happens when that friend, who isn’t a friend because you’ve done sexual things and you never quite got together and you yelled at him that one time when you were drunk and he wanted to sleep with your friend and you somehow ended up kissing him because he has you in that way and you don’t even know why (seriously why? He’s the same height as me for fuck sake), yeah here is what happens when that friend invites you out for dinner.

One he actually takes you dinner and pays. Two he buys you drinks (I know, I know). So here’s what happens you say “well you can walk me to the train station” after you’ve finished drinks (I was intending to be very good after all) and he says “well my house is just here come up” (no he doesn’t even use drinks or a film as an incentive) so you say “bad things happen when we’re in a room alone, but okay.” You can guess what happens after five minutes.

But here is what I discovered & remembered. Four years ago I was in this glorious position all ready and willing, except…ouch, it’s doesn’t fit, it actually feels like my vagina might tear in fucking half (I am not in labour). This is what you remember when he is trying to put it in and this is actually what you say, well actually you say “now I remember having sex with you.” But hey hey hey, this time it fits! Success! Which also kind of means a lot of other things and you both know it does, but hey fuck off, it’s still tight okay, and it was a real team effort to get there! Anyway, you have bloody amazing sex (it has been like four years it better be amazing). But who thought this arrogant friend of mine could actually be a good lover as well as being good at sex? I’m talking no selfishness here it was much about my pleasure as well as is. Anyway at the end when you know you’ve done what you said you wouldn’t and you text your best friend the news. Here is where you’re very happy that your best friend isn’t the gambling type and didn’t bet you that you wouldn’t sleep with him, she just knew after all that you would anyway.

So what you conclude from that night goes much like this – guy number one has an inflated head, not penis. Because here is a guy who has length and width I’ve never experienced before (okay once I have but this was after him the first time, years after) and I don’t see him fucking spinning shit about special condoms. So I have to say to guy number one – your dick is not big. You are slightly delusional. You are having actual delusions. Your penis is actually normal, but why you think otherwise is beyond me.

Lets end with my overall conclusion on guy number one and his faults (and there are many) from my idiotic night with guy number two? It is possible to work 50+ hours and text someone back, on top of that you can actually pay for a fucking meal for the girl you’re taking out and finally you have a normal dick. And I can say that with certainty because I’ve experienced a lot (not that much…) and I’ve never know anyone with a normal penis to spout so much shit in my life. Oh and I’m not going to text you back. I may not have found never ending romance with guy number two, but goodness me, I found sense, and that my best friend is always right. Perhaps also an agony aunt too.

Too Busy Too Blog/ Balzam, Burgers and Butcher Buddies

So due to the festive season my social calendar has been pretty full on. My weekends are spent too drunk/hunogver to blog and my weeks are spent too busy actually doing work to blog. Therefore I apologise for the lack of bloggage action! However this means that I now have a lot to say or ‘blog’. I won’t write a 5 page essay don’t worry, I’ll break it down for you. The first one is taking you back two weeks ago when me and 5 of my boys (as mentioned before we act more like lads then ladies) travelled to Latvia. Literally a 2 day, 2 night flying visit, not a lot can happen in that short space of time right? Wrong.

Why Latvia you ask, well good question and I wish I knew the answer. All I know is that as I was skimming through our whatsapp group a month ago I came across the following:

‘Latvia is joining the EU in Jan’

‘Flights are 20 quid each way’

‘Hostel is 20 quid each for 2 nights’

‘End of Nov’

Now normally I would pay more attention, do some research and make an informed to decision. However for some reason on this particular day I was in a live for now mood and therefore replied.

‘I’m in, what do I transfer to who’

So now its booked, and I start telling people, and the reactions I get are:

‘Oh that’s near Russia, it’s gonna be cold, good luck’

‘Oh I work with people from there, good luck’

‘Isn’t that were the film hostel is filmed?’

‘Oh and your staying in a hostel, good luck’

Sorry what?! I can just about cope with British winter let alone a Russian winter. I am a child of the summer, a water baby, born to live in a hot climate (no I am not referring to ‘sunny London’). Why on earth would I agree to travel to somewhere colder.

In addition to that, anyone who knows me, will agree that I am, maybe, just a little bit of a princess. A princess who agreed to stay in a hostel. Sorry was I in a ‘live for now’ mood when I signed up or a ‘give yourself a mental breakdown’ mood.

I am not about this YOLO life. I need all the luck I can get

So without going into a fully day by day description, I’ll give you the lowdown on Latvia.

  1. Balsam

Latvia’s traditional spirit. I failed to try the actual stuff (I’m not that hardcore) but with 45% alcohol and the image of my friends faces when they tried it, I was glad to pass. I went instead for the tame 30% blackcurrent flavour, which was let me tell you, just as lethal. Now I am pretty sure that the -5 weather did not hit us that hard due to the high volume of this cough like syrup we had downed. I also owe the fuzziness in my head the next day to what I can only describe as a lethal weapon of alcohol destruction.

  1. Burgers

Only would me and my friends find ourselves in a hostel that’s directly above macdonalds, with an entrance that is directly through the middle of macdonalds, which is open 24 hours. Apart from Sunday, when it closes earlier. Due to a unfortunate series of events – our captain (Tiana) did not receive a burger on her first drunken night in Latvia. This is due to the smallest member of our group consuming her burger along with the captains. Bad move. All has still not been forgiven. So come Sunday we have all promised the captain SHE WILL GET A BURGER. 6am we rock up at Macd’s (yes I said 6am) and its closed. Every single one of us made the facial expression of a kid whose Candy had been stolen. Not just for ourselves but for the captain who we promised would get her burger!

‘THE EXPRESS WINDOW BETTER BE OPEN OR I’LL HAVE 5 SOLID TEARS TATTOED DOWN MY FACE’

Lucky for us, the express window was open and she got not only one but two burgers and we all lived to see another day.

  1. Butchers.

Let me explain the tear situation. Whilst our on our first night, the captain decides to pick up a girl – who she believes in a Lesbian. Bearing in mind the captain loves the D, we all make friends with her because we’re just nice like that. So this lesbian (or so we think) called Rita, joins us on our bar crawl through Riga’s old town. In between the dancing, drinking, smoking and singing ‘My nigga, my nigga, my nigga’ (we are not racist I swear) we all get the chance to talk to Rita, you know really get to know her.

Me first, oh Rita is from Riga, but she moved away with her boyfriend 7 years ago. He isn’t around anymore so she is back. Right so Rita is straight. Oh Rita is out on her own tonight, she hasn’t been out in ages and she felt brave enough to have a night out alone. Right so Rita is a new addition to our group of friends. Oh Rita wants to travel, maybe to London. Right so Rita takes down my email address whilst I’m still sober enough to write it on a napkin.  Oh Rita has 4 tattoos, 3 on her face and one on her fanny. Right Rita has a tattoo in the same place as me, I am not drunk enough to show her yet so we’ll save that for later.

I don’t know exactly how everyone elses conversations go, but what I did find out from the others is that Rita’s teardrop face tattoos represent her ex boyfriends. The two empty ones are those she is no longer with and the filled in one is the one she murdered. Oh so Rita has just been released from jail. Right so a murderer is on a night out with us, has my email address and thinks we are friends. Well isn’t this splendid.

From that point onwards, anything Rita wanted she got. We didn’t want to die! The bar looks shit, if Rita wants to go in, we go in. It’s too cold to walk, if Rita wants to walk, we walk.

In addition to the above we also did some cultural stuff  like the Christmas markets where my friends purse got pick pocketed. Went to the Raddisons Sky Bar where we got thrown out with our drinks in paper cups as it was closing and sang Karaoke for 6 hours.

All in all it was an epic success at failing a holiday. But it gave me great laughs, another country to tick off the world map, a few funny stories to tell and a murderer my email address. Image

It’s hard out here for a bitch.

I don’t understand why everyone hates on Lily Allen, she just sings what most girls out there are thinking. 

Obsessing over her new song then got me listening to some of her old songs and I had a moment of clarity ‘wow I actually relate to a lot of these songs!’ 

So let’s start with ’22′.

I was talking to a friend the other day about another blog post http://glitterforgrownups.wordpress.com/ which is the blog of a single 30 something who is actually very funny. This then led to what if we get to 30 and we are still single, will my life be as awkward as it is now, will I be..

Happier? Skinnier? Richer? Funnier? Sexier?

Any of the above please. 

So Lily sings to me, ‘when she was 22 her future looked bright, she’s nearly 30 now and she’s out every night’. Well that’s a positive start.

Then it goes into ‘It’s sad but it’s true how society says her life is already over there’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say til the man of her dreams comes along picks her up and puts her over his shoulder it seems so unlikely in this day and age.’ 

Well firstly, I think society now actually believes your life starts at 30. Although, I think that is mainly due to the fact that you should have your life together by then. You know good job, nice man, great friends etc. So if you’re still single, in the same job that  you have been in since you were 22 and no friends as they have all moved on with their lives then you’re pretty much screwed. 

Secondly we all know that the man of anyone’s dreams does not exist. This is due to girls dreaming of the perfect guy aka a cross between Prince Charming’s personality, Brad Pitt/George Clooney’s face, David Beckham/Channing Tatum’s body, I could go on but you get my point. Unrealistic. I was actually told the other day that I need to lower my expectations…Lower them?? I mean my dream guy is the above but I am a realist hence why my past lovers have been bums who have no job, no career progression, no plan in life and generally all round losers. How much lower can I get then that?

And finally unless I get to the gym soonish and sort myself out health wise, ain’t nobody gonna be throwing me over their shoulder. 

Then you have the famous ‘Not Fair’ song which is so crazily relevant to my life right now that I can’t even deal!

‘Now I lie here in a wet patch in the middle of the bed, I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by I spent ages giving head.’

Well actually that line isn’t so relevant to me as I don’t give head, there is no wet patch (thanks to condoms) and it’s not just the bed, it also happened in the back of the car. But again, you get my point.

I have found myself seeing a guy who doesn’t last 5 minutes. Now the first time you know I felt bad for the guy, I know it hurts there ego and is highly embarrassing for them so I didn’t make a big deal out of it. It’s not the first time it’s happened and I am pretty sure it won’t be the last.

But the second time however, the same thing. Again I said nothing, until he started talking

‘I don’t understand this; I can normally go for like an hour. I just don’t get it. This has never happened before (apart from last time).’

These comments combined with the sexual tension and pure frustration built up inside me makes me flip.

‘Well it’s not like I have a fucking magic vagina is it’

*awkward silence*

‘It’s not fair and I think you’re really mean, I think you’re really mean, I think you’re really mean, oh you’re supposed to care but you never make me scream, you never make me scream.’

Finally we get to her latest track, by far the best ‘Hard out here’.  I mean with lyrics like ‘Forget your balls and grow a pair of tits’ how can I not tap into my feminist, anti male, pro gender equality persona? 

She speaks the truth; I just want to shout preach! In today’s society a single girl who flaunts her sex life it considered a ‘slut’, whereas a guy is considered a ‘player’ or as I prefer to a say a ‘dog’. On top of this some of the issues she sings about like weight, working, being objectified and inequality make you realise actually you know what, it really is hard out here for a bitch.  Us girls are put under so much pressure, be skinny, be beautiful, fall in love but don’t forget your friends, be career minded but start a family, be a bitch at work to get to the top but don’t forget to be a loving super mum at home.

How about we start with Human? Yes that’s my starting point; I am going to try being a person. 

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Monday Mourning.

Every Monday, I am in mourning for the weekend. Why does is go by so fast? Why do I never get anything productive done? Why did I spend so much money? Why did I sleep so much? and the list goes on. Just why oh why? 

I am forever complaining that I have so much personal stuff to do, yet no time to do it. I mean I watch American sitcoms, like ‘Friends’ for instance (you will see me referring to TV shows alot) and I really do wonder how they do it all. I mean they seem to socialise before work, at lunch and then after work. I mean, I am dead to the world until an hour before I need to leave the house in the morning. I don’t have time for breakfast let alone to see my friends! And even if I did want to stop by for a quick coffee on my way to work, it would not work for the following reasons 

- We all start at different times 

- My friends are just as anti social as me in the mornings 

- I don’t drink coffee

Most of my lunches are spent at my desk, catching up with current affairs (celeb gossip according to the daily mail), maybe some internet shopping (what I would wear if I had the body of Jessica Alba, or my highly attractive slim but curvy younger cousin), and of course various channels of social media. 

Then by the time I get home in the evenings, which is never earlier then 8pm, I feel like I am too tired to do anything other then lay in bed and play candy crush. 

So then it gets to Friday and I’m like, I have so much do, let me write a list: 

- Drop parcels off to post office 

- Go food shopping 

- Go clothes shopping (return some stuff, exchange some stuff, buy some stuff)

- Wash Car/Get Car washed 

- Catch up with 3 different sets of friends 

- Catch up with potential lovers 

- Catch up on Sleep 

- Catch up on TV 

- Catch up on housework 

- Catch up on laundry 

Yep, lots to catch up on.

So now its Monday morning, lets write a list of what I actually did at the weekend: 

- Went out on Friday night, started in St Pauls, then onto Bank, then Oxford circus, ending in a kebab shop in Camden. Classy.

- Got up on Saturday, still feeling drunk and drove to Westfield. Ate Noodle Soup, returned some stuff (check), exchanged some stuff (check), sobered up and felt like crap. No joke, vision blurry, nauseous, head banging. Wait how much did I actually drink last night? Wait what did I actually drink last night? Need. To. Get. Home. Now 

- Get home, sit with my head down the toilet for 20 minutes empty the contents of my stomach. Crawl into bed and sleep for 5 hours, catching up on sleep (check). 

- Get woken up by the bestie who has dinner ready for me (ledge.) Go to hers, eat dinner, spoon with her brother whilst watching a film (potential husband, not lover.) 

- Go home, make up my excuses not to see one of my potential lovers, put on a wash, go back to bed. 

- Get up just before mid day on Sunday catch up on sleep (double check) 

- Do some housework (not all of it, just some)

- Go shopping, via grabbing lunch, buy some stuff (check) 

- Come home, lay in bed catching up on TV (check) 

- Order takeaway, eat then go back to bed 

Oh hello Monday. 

So out of a list of 10 things to do, I managed to do 3 and a half.

 

Clearly my personal time management skills need to be worked on. Either that or I just don’t spend an evening, drinking, dancing and giving my number to guys I do not remember the next day. I really did not need ‘The bouncer from that club’ or ‘The dance off guy’ or even the ‘Guy who pretended to be your boyfriend to make the other guy who was following you go away’ messaging me whilst I was DYING FROM THE WORST HANGOVER EVER.

So I thank Apple for their new software, I can now block and delete any unwanted attention.

I also thank whoever created annual leave, as it is those days I use to be productive and actually sort shit out in my life.

As for the weekends, I think I’ll keep them on a go with the flow basis. Who needs stability, structure and organisation in their life anyway?

 

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